This show became a legend before it even aired due to Tsukka fighting a giant panda due to her being a filthy adulteress! Yeah, that’s right. Somehow it was a story told so well that it worked. They are geniuses in Ice Ribbon. We also have an Infinity title match, where Tsukushi challenges Maya and a number of exciting matches underneath too.
(*Note: the version I watched has no Ai Hara on commentary. This is rubbish. You don’t realise what Ai brings to a show until she’s gone. Also the matches are a little clipped as well)
Maria, Mei Hoshizuki & Suzu Suzuki vs Asahi, Mikoto Shindo & Ibuki Hoshi: With the average age being 16 and a half (Jesus….), and about 4 years experience between them (Jesus…) this is as chaotic and raw as you’ll probably see in joshi. It’s fiery and energetic but not the crispest match you’ll see from rookies in Ice Ribbon. Suzu gets the win after a beautiful bridging German on Ibuki. **
Kyuri & Tae Honma vs Satsuki Totoro & Matsuya Uno: Kyuri and Tae’s team is called Greenpeace and that has already added a star onto this match. Unfortunately, what we see isn’t a lot, maybe five minutes and even though Totoro is a beast, Tae and Kyuri are great and Matsuya is there too, there isn’t even time for anything to be truly great. Give me these teams for 15 mins and I’d love it. ***
Miyuki Takase vs Giulia: This new Giulia with attitude is really doing it for me. Her sitting on Takase with her feet on Miyuki’s throat is a big mood. These two beat the absolute piss out of each other. I don’t know if Giulia is an official member of Ozaki-gun now, but she’s got that ‘Yumi Ohka kicking people in the face’ meanness now. Takase was totally great in this match too, and she is a seriously underrated talent in the joshi pool at the moment. She gets the win with a fireman’s carry driver, and after the match shows no respect to Giulia. This feud must continue, because this match was fire. ****
Akane Fujita & Risa Sera vs Himeka Arita & Hiragi Kurumi: Hey, Akane is back from injury! This is a bit of a baptism of fire… The Blast Queen is here, and so is Jumbo Arita (we love you Himeka), and this match should be brutally great. Immediately the match falls apart with duelling chairs and then Kurumi skelping Fujita with a baseball bat across the head (giveaway that it might be a soft one since she didn’t instantly die).
Only a week or so after she was KO’ed against Arisa and Sae, Himeka is getting slammed onto cans, choked with a barbed wire kendo stick and generally abused left right and centre. She’s my favourite discovery of 2019. I love her. I also like Kurumi, who feels like a young Ryo Mizunami, and introduces the LEGO into the match, the sicko. I mean, thumbtacks probably hurts like hell, but LEGO? Jesus… Fujita feels the full force of a LEGO Safari set right into her lower back, which could not be pleasant, but even worse is the driver into chairs and LEGO. These four are crazed.
They all take some nasty bumps onto the LEGO, and there’s a couple of headshots with those chairs that look stiff as well. There’s a 2.999 count on a Hurricane Driver to Arita, then she takes the fall after Sera lands a double knee stomp from the top through two chairs and a ladder. Madness and excellent at once! ****
Tsukasa Fujimoto vs TinTin: What we’ve all been waiting for. I don’t know what it says about the state of modern wrestling where a woman wrestling a giant panda over the love of another giant panda has become such compelling drama but here we are. Jesus, Tsukka is wearing a panda hat. She’s going to die.
Fujimoto is a genius, because she draws all the heel heat she can get, with arm wringers, poking the eyes, stamping on Tintin’s toes. They do the ‘trying to lift the bigger opponent and failing’ spot which is just hilarious, as is using Kyuri and I think it was Ibuki as stairs to run up and dropkick Tintin in the face. There’s a brutal moment where Tintin’s head gets stomped literally flat, but she recovers to kick out. This is amazing.
ANDREZA IS HERE! Will he go to his floozy or save his wife? He smashes Tsukka with a massive headbutt, knocking her off the top rope to the floor. What a twist! Andreza picks up Tintin, and they double body splash Tsukka, but they try a second time and she moves. Tintin then decks Andreza and he rolls out of the ring. Tintin chokeslams Fujimoto, and when she kicks out goes to the ropes. Oh my Lord what is coming? But it’s her undoing, and Tsukka gets up, hits the Venus Shoot and then drops her with the Japanese Ocean Cyclone Suplex for the win. There’s a touching family reunion with the pandas afterwards, and even Manami FREAKING Toyota comes out for it! This is *****
Makoto & Miyako Matsumoto vs The Lovely Butchers vs Tequila Saya & Yoshiko: These guys are not topping that. This match is to determine the number one contenders for Azure Revolution’s tag team titles. Poor Miyako gets a beatdown at the start of the match from everyone, and then we get going. Somehow Tequila Saya has gone from someone I wasn’t really invested in, to someone I really enjoy, especially with this new asskicking team with Yoshiko. Makoto seems to have been lumped with Matsumoto who is failing left and right here to nail much offense It’s a bit of comedy gold.
Hoshi vs Yoshiko doesn’t feel like a match that anyone would shout for, but the two had some nice exchanges here, and actually the Lovely Butchers worked really hard in this match, Poor Makoto spent most of her time being annoyed by Miyako, and this was where I realised that Tequila Saya has really stepped up. Tequila was impressive here, and I think working with Yoshiko as a partner is bringing something out I didn’t know she had. She does take the fall here though, getting rolled up by Miyako while going for the Tequila Shot. This match was great fun, and it looks like we’re going to get Azure Revolution vs Miyako and Makoto for the tag team titles, much to the disgust of Risa Sera and even Makoto! ***3/4
Maya Yukihi vs Tsukushi: Joshi’s Mean Girl vs the Ice Captain is a match I’ve been waiting on for ages. Man, Maya’s red and white gear is classy, while Tsukushi paying tribute to Toyota is equally classy. The match starts off a little slow, but soon picks up and there doesn’t seem to be any love lost here. Particularly when Tsukushi tries to take Maya’s head off with a low dropkick on the ropes. That was brutal even for Tsukushi, who seem to delight in murdering faces like that.
Brawling through the crowd in Korakuen is getting to be a tradition this year in big matches, and this is no exception. The camera shot as Tsukushi flies over the stairs onto Yukihi is excellent, and I can’t believe rolling down those stairs is comfortable. Tsukushi has had most of this fight so far, but Yukihi comes back with a tilt a whirl backbreaker and a hard knee receipt for that dropkick before. Tsukushi hits back with a horrible thud of a headbutt and then a frankensteiner from the top, but takes a kick to the head. There’s some sickening forearms to Yukihi, whose head is taking severe punishment, but she fights back with some brutal slaps.
This is stiff as hell, and while it didn’t go as long as I’d hoped, lived up to every expectation I had about the quality. Tsukushi goes for the Tiger Suplex Hold, Maya gets out and hits a crucifix driver but Tsukushi reverses the pin and almost has her a few times, double stomping between each try. Maya manages to win after a double knees to the face, then a lovely Swanton Bomb. Awesome main event, and even though it could’ve had another five minutes, was an absolute beast. ****1/2
Final thoughts: the draw is the Tintin match, but there’s at least three other matches I can definitely recommend too, and the main event is absolutely awesome. Contender for show of the year? Definitely.
Joshi's Valley 